I have this weird obsession with Lana del Rey. It’s more than a girl crush, less than a fatal attraction. I guess I like her as much as any heterosexual girl can like another girl, but with a healthy dose of disgust. I suppose my feelings toward Lana del Rey can only be articulated through a list of reasons why I hate her, which are also the same reasons why I admire her.
1) Her fake name. Lana. del. Rey. It’s so pretentiously 60s. Her real name, Lizzie Grant, is painfully average – boring like a gram cracker. Lana del Rey lends itself to a positively putrid 60s romance. A boneheaded 60s beach film even, one that welcomes bouffants, high waisted bikinis and record players.
2) Her lips. So phony and fishlike. Not unlike Don Knotts in the Incredible Mr. Limpet. Her bass lips are revolting, yet voluptuous and perfectly bee stung – they look the best in her “Born to Die” video, crimson red, ready to bleed to death.
3) Her Talons. The nails are rarely un-lacquered. They are pointy as syringes and glamorously wild. I bet she gives a could back tickle.
4) Her SNL performance. The most bizarre and entrancing performance I have ever witnessed. The out of place turns and yodels. The video has been ‘favorited’ on my youtube account along with Miss Teen South Carolina’s “The Iraq Speech.” Not to mention the countless internet memes of the songstress twirling in microwaves and toilet bowls (which may or may not be found here and here #lanadelreydancing).
5) Her American trailer trash, chola, hipster style. Often seen in nascar jackets, with overdrawn brown lips, wearing eagle and beer tee shirts, this little American is too much. Decked out in American flags and ripped jeans, her petite figure and huge hair is all wrong – but golly, she makes it work.
6) Her wicked winged liner. That dramatic inky black cat eye a sober Amy Winehouse would have rocked (RIP). It’s over the top and casual and beautiful and artsy, fml – I heart her.
7) Her blood obsession. I swear, in every video the girl is covered in blood – like Harry ‘bloody’ Potter. Blood can be cool, and gross, and entrancing, and she makes it so when she is dying, hemorrhaging from an unnecessary car collision, a shooting, pool accident. Is blood a new hot factor? Or is it just a morbid curiosity thing. Who knows. Lana del Rey uses it as an accessory and we love her for it.
8) Her Priscilla Presley bouffant. That beehive could house a tea party with Rebecca black and Carly Rae Jepsen. A hairstyle that probably uses ten cans of aqua net and pomade. A decent Youtube tutorial has yet to demonstrate her infamous do. Maybe, just maybe one day, I will do that teased nest of Lana love justice.
9) The song “Video Games.” With harps, weird rap-like phrasing, and melodramatic lyrics, she got me under her spell. I swear, the girl is a witch of some sort.
The bewitching anti-sensation that is Lana del Rey. The muse of my tumblr and instagram, what have you done to the alternative internet youth of America? That hipster-chola-white trashiness manifested itself into a petite 20 something wonder, who’s heart has been broken, not unlike Adele or T Swift, but executed through sweet tunes with an underground quality. A degenerate prom queen. A vintage enchantress. The only person I know who can make a Budwiser tee look smart. You all American biotch – Lana del Rey.